I feel like this is a topic that is usually swept under the carpet. One of the reasons may be that it is not common for a bloke to talk about their insecurities, ‘feelings’, or display any signs of emotions and vulnerabilities. I was one of those blokes who rarely showed these vulnerabilities, then my wife came along… and then came my daughter. The barriers have now been broken so I want to help break any barriers you may have. I don’t think it makes you less of a “man” or human being by discussing your feelings about being a dad. This is not something that was not discussed during my parent’s time as the notion was to be ‘strong’ and get on with it.
This post will be a rather informative one.
Here are a few Facts
Did you know that:
1. One in 10 dads-to-be will also become depressed during their partner’s pregnancy
2. Three to six months after birth is the peak time when men are likely to experience postnatal depression (Undiagnosed)
3. Postnatal depression in dads is more likely if there is also maternal postnatal depression
4. Postnatal depression in us dads can manifest in various ways such as:
a. Withdrawal from family life, work and social environments
b. Marital conflict
c. Negative parenting behaviour
d. Fear, confusion, helplessness and uncertainty regarding the future
e. Anxiety;
f. A sense of not enough
g. Hard times bonding with your baby
h. Feeling excluded;
i. Sleep pattern out of sync (tired during the day but can’t sleep at night)
j. Alcohol and drug use.
5. Postnatal depression in us dads can affect our children’s development
I can go on here, but I think you get the gist of the above facts. I think these facts are to be taken seriously.
How my wife felt
During the course of my wife’s pregnancy I was fully aware of the hormonal changes in her, and how this could potentially affect the mental side of things. We had a discussion about this, and we agreed that she’ll keep me posted on how she’s feeling during the course of her pregnancy. We felt this would enable us to keep on top of any potential episodes of depression so to speak. I think my wife did remarkably well throughout, she had a very solid support system which included myself, her friends (who were also pregnant or mothers) and our families. Looking back in retrospect, talking really helped her dramatically.
How I coped
I think I coped well until my daughter came around and then I probably unknowingly had a mild form of postnatal depression at some stage. Particularly, the feeling of exclusion and the out of sync sleeping pattern. During the first two weeks after my daughter was born, we were fortunate to have my mother-in-law staying with us to help my wife following her c-section. As a contractor, I wasn’t entitled to the paid paternity leave but my manager at the time allowed me to work from home for those two weeks so that I could bond with my daughter without losing a penny :D. I will be forever grateful to my mother-in-law for all her support, but I felt those two weeks were challenging for a couple reasons:
1. I don’t think I anticipated how reliant and dependant my daughter would be on her mum, from breastfeeding, to bonding, comforting etc. I couldn’t help but wonder whether this would continue forever, meaning I won’t get my bonding opportunity with our daughter.
2. The majority of people that came to visit us during this period were only concerned with my wife and baby and paid no mind as to how I was feeling as a father. I felt excluded to some extent.
I guess what helped me get through this period was the fact that I knew deep down that my wife and daughter required more attention. As a bloke I have no idea what it’s like to give birth and go through such physical and potentially mental pain (I take my hat off to the mums). I also spoke to other dads (including new dads) to bounce ideas and experiences off each other. To my surprise, little did I know that we kind of went through the same mental cycle. As I mentioned above, I think it’s important for us men to express ourselves and I don’t think it makes you any less of a “man”. “A problem shared is half solved” as they say. Most importantly for me I had to address this as I was very conscious of it affecting our daughter’s development.
Where I’m at now
I’m on cloud nine now! My daughter won’t stop chasing me around the house on her walker and calls me various names “dadda”, “babba”, “abba”, “ba”. I don’t want this to end!!.
How did you cope with being a new dad? For those that are yet to be fathers I really hope this has been helpful.
Until next time.
K.
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